Somewhere in the beginning of this blog, there is an entry that deals with the question "Who am I?" and I kind of feel I have reached a diffrent layer of that same onion ;) A couple weeks ago, I was visited by my younger brother and his fabulous fiancè all the way from Germany. I got to show them a glimpse of my life, as well as travel through the vast beauty of this country. We stayed at some logdes, met other German or Dutch travellers and lived a bit of a touristy life.
After my family had left, I got thinking about how I have changed, how I see the world differently. The theoretical thought of going back to Germany now to live there again made me feel unsettled. Not because I would miss the people here, the country, the language, my work; (which I would) but because I feel I would not belong there any more.
On the very same day, I had a chat with one of my best friends here; a local. I told him about some strruggles I had with how a collegue had handled a situation. Some words in his response "you ... like them... white people..." made me feel so far away from the people I came to serve and live amongst. And while I know his intention is never to hurt me, his answer pointed out to me that no matter how long I will stay, how many languages I will learn - I will never fully belong.
But if I don`t feel like I belong to Germany anymore and I don`t feel like I belong in "my" South African community ... where DO I BELONG?
Luckily, I know that my emotions and feeling do not determine my life or identity.
Still, they send me on a journey... Is it enough to belong to the family of God; even when it is imperfect and partly unknown or unfamiliar and far spread and different from what I expect...?
Do I have to feel that I belong? Maybe (most likely actually) this is not about me? So who does God want me to be in this season, in this uncomfortable state? Am I going to be a bridge, as I am in the "in between" of nations, languages, colours?
Join me in prayer, as I am pressing into HIM, surrendering for God to shape me into who he created me to be. Thanks ;)!